To My Misogynist Coworker

By Olivia Somes

It will take 15 women to equal one solid employee – my misogynist coworker.

I assure you I have obtained the tutelage necessary to maneuver around carrying the clunk of my estrogen, quite a long time ago. I have yet to stumble over my gravity-riddled boobs or ruin computer wires with my inevitable, girlish tears. I have studied how to navigate a workplace without leaving the hazardous ooze of my chromosomes all over floor tiles and I am successful at that most of the time (that calculates into 10 percent of the time in she-speak). You should have confidence in me since I have known how to tie my shoes since I was five and can drive a vehicle, sort of. I will try to be erratic on a consistent basis so that you will be able to distinguish between my PMS, Pre PMS, Period, and Self. I cannot promise that I will not engage in impractical conversations with my female cronies about tampons, hair regiments, and hand creams. But I will promise not to bleed on you or show you my birthing scars. Your complaints about doing all the work and picking up the slack for all female employees I find very valid for three reasons: (1) male = validation; (2) women are liars; (3) man’s logistical superiority is fine-tuned to differentiate between fact and what women say. I will be equally enraged when you are terminated by our HR rep who, unfortunately for you and herself, is of the female species. Finally, if you find everything above that I have said comforting and an authentication of the injustices you experience, know that, because it was written by a woman, the entire statement is worthless.