By Jon Zell
I’m only now, just putting the pieces together, to try to figure out whether to be disappointed forever.
I see a common thread that ties the past and present moment and stretches out, unravelling the little me that felt so all important. So indestructible. So insane.
So I smoked you out and choked on those doubts until the cotton in my mouth evolved into candy, and melted away unbelievably sweetly, dissolving under my tongue completely, dissected back into its component parts, the elements meet and reintroduce themselves, all sparkling & redefined, and once again, pure.
I used to believe I needed you, I needed this. I followed you around town like a lost dog, hungry for love and attention, & gave into your whims as you convinced me I’d one day be happy, one day get lucky. And you were the trickster and I was just your fool-
Damaged goods, I could never imagine I could be understood. I could ever be loved… So kill my brain- Kill- the pain, the unrelenting anguish.
Love me! Hurt me back in anger. Do something-
I’m trouble you know. You knew me as troubled. Knew that we’d never be safe, never be the same again. Never get out of this shit-hole anyway. So I hid it away, a sheltered child. I’d shut you out, couldn’t even fake a smile anyhow. So sorry for myself, so angry at the world- Nothing left to cry about. Nothing but the girl.
I had escaped to a secret place of self abuse & excess. On the fringe- Self medicated for my own safety, I thought that I’d get away unscathed. Thought I was above the fray.
Still, on the horizon troubled waters were rising. Higher & higher until this life was unrecognizable. I schemed on easy ways out.
I’d swallow my ills in a prescription bottle of poison pills. I’d cash in my ticket for a gambled prize in oblivion.
Never knowing what the future lies. Never to fall again, deep into those beautiful eyes.
Never to fail again.